You Say Tomahto, and I Say You're Dead

Chapter 1

"You can do this, girl, so quit farting around, and walk through those doors."

Spaz looked at the door in front of her. She eyeballed the slowly turning panes of glass and shivered. "Why do hospitals always have those stupid doors that keep going around in circles? Am I the only person on the face of the earth they creep out?"

"'Scuze me." Someone shoved her out of the way and hopped into the half-moon space. They slowly circled around. Spaz watched as they calmly walked out the other side and zipped down the hall.

"Spaz, you moron, look how easy it is. What's the matter with you?"

A little kid squealed like a stuck pig and Spaz jumped. The little sucker skipped past her. He waited for the rotating door to come around. When an opening appeared, he squealed again and hopped into the half-moon space. "Come on in, lady! It's fun!"

An elderly man pushed a wheelchair through the opening. He stepped to the center and the door stopped. The lady in the chair smiled up at Spaz. "Come on child, we'll wait for you."

"Uh, no thanks, you go on. Maybe next time." She took a shaky breath. The old man stepped away from the center. Once again the door began its slow circle.

A gentle touch on her elbow made Spaz spaz. She whipped her head around and a woman smiled at her. "I hate those doors too. I use the side door over there." She pointed to a normal looking door off to the right. "Come on, I'll walk with you."

"Thanks." Spaz looked at the woman and sucked in a breath. The woman stopped and stared. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah, I am. I just noticed you're really very beautiful."

The woman laughed. "Is that all? Why thank you very much. So are you."

"Yuh. Right. Uh, thanks, I gotta go now." Spaz pulled her arm away from the woman. She yanked on the handle and walked through the door. She headed for the information desk and watched the woman wave to her as she went toward the elevators.

"Wow."

"I beg your pardon. May I help you?"

Spaz looked up and asked. "I need to find a friend of mine."

"Name please?"

"Name?" Spaz swallowed hard. What the heck is Bean's real name? It's kind of hokey and well, Irish. "Uh, well we call him Bean."

"Bean? Is that a first or a last name?"

"Uh, both I think."

The woman looked mean. "Young lady, I really don't have time—"

"Wait, he's a kid who got shot. He's uh, Irish. Real Irish. Green eyes, and uh, I guess he's not totally a troll."

A girl about Spaz's age walked up behind the woman. She tapped her on the shoulder. "I think she means Ryan O'Sullivan in 349." She winked at Spaz. "He's awesome, isn't he? You his girlfriend? You're like, so lucky 'cuz Ryan is so totally hot!"

The woman scowled at the girl. She clapped a hand over her mouth. She gave Spaz a "thumbs up" and slid out the door. The woman turned to Spaz. She sniffed her nose as if Spaz smelled like yesterday's fish sandwich. Face burning red, Spaz said, "Thanks a lot. Uh, I guess I'll go up and see Br-uh, Ry-uh, whoever now."

She backed away from the desk. She hurried to the bank of elevators and punched the "up" button.

Spaz leaned to her left. She could see the information desk from there. The woman was still glaring at her. Spaz ducked back around the wall and punched the elevator button again. "Hurry up."

The door swooshed open and Spaz plowed in. Two nurses and an old guy stepped in behind her. Spaz reached for the third floor button and the man tapped her hand.

"What?"

He smiled at her. "My job. I'm trying to be polite." With a bow, he swept his hat from his head. "Where would you like to go, young lady?"

Spaz glanced at the nurses. They giggled and nodded toward the old man. Spaz turned pink and tried to smile. "T-Third floor, p-please."

The man punched the third floor button. "There you go Missy."

He winked at the nurses and Spaz clutched her backpack to her chest. Dirty old coot. I've seen enough of his kind to make me puke. Can he tell I'm an h—

"I hope you lovely ladies are having a nice day."

The nurses giggled. Spaz wanted to melt into the floor. She mumbled to herself. "Dang, is everyone smokin' crack this morning or what?"

The old man did not turn around. He hummed a tune and rocked on his heels. The elevator stopped on the second floor. He stepped off and turned toward the open elevator door. He took off his hat and bowed again. He was rising and stopped when his face got even with Spaz. "Never smoked no crack little girl, but me and the missus did go to Woodstock."

"I—er—uh."

The man smiled and his whole face crinkled. "You lovely ladies have yourselves a beautiful day now, ya hear?"

Spaz sucked in a breath. The nurses burst out laughing, and the old man smiled and winked. The doors.

Spaz let out a breath. "What the heck just happened?"

One of the nurses dabbed her eyes with a hanky. "That was Mr. Hamm. Jake Hamm. He's going in for his final cancer treatment today. The doctors don't expect him to live until Christmas, so he makes the most of each day he has left."

"Oh." The door opened on the third floor. Spaz stepped off the elevator. "Thank you."

"Take care."

"I will." Spaz thought about Jake Hamm only having months to live. He wasn't a creeper, just an old man spitting death in the eye. How could that geezer be so damn happy? Her eyes stung and she looked at the nurses. She raised her hand to the nurses. They smiled back. They twiddled their fingers and the door swooshed close.

Spaz let out the breath she was holding. She rubbed the tears from her eyes. "Hoo-wee, weirder and weirder. I don't think I've talked to this many people in the last six months. Who am I all of a sudden, Prom Queen of the week?"

Spaz stepped into the hall. She read the sign on the wall. The arrow pointed to the right. She headed toward Room 349. Spaz turned right again, made another right, and turned left. "I'll need Map Quest to find my way outta here." Halfway down the hall she finally found a sign saying "341-350" with an arrow pointing to the right. Spaz took a deep breath and zipped around the corner and bounced off a very large body.

One of the biggest women she'd ever seen glared down at her from a height only a linebacker could brag about. "Oh! Excuse me, I didn't see you."

The nurse laughed. "Didn't see me? Child you're either blind or dead!"

"I—I didn't mean . . . never mind. I'm sorry."

"Where you goin' in such an all-fire hurry?"

"To visit someone. In 349. Ryan O'Sulliv—"

"Oh sure, I know Ryan. Sweet boy."

"Is he okay? I-I mean can he have visitors yet?"

"Sure. He's got lots-o-friends. Specially girls. We had to limit the visits."

Spaz looked at the floor. "Oh, well I guess I'll come back."

"Wait, are you friend or family?"

Spaz looked at the floor. "Friend, I guess."

"You guess? Little girl, only family members and close friends are allowed in to see Mr. O'Sullivan at this time."

Spaz looked the nurse right in the eye. "Then I guess he's my boyfriend."